Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Life by design? I don't think so...

My Life By Design. It's kind of funny when you think about it. At first it was just a cute play on words about my life and how I design my home. But after these last six months, it's kind of taken on a deeper meaning. When you're creating your home, you're in control, planning things out just how you want them to be. But in life, it's different.

After 38 years, this last year has probably taught me the biggest life lesson – you can't design your life. You can plan, you can hope, you can act – but things will happen that are beyond your control. Good things, bad things, things you never imagined.

2014 was poised to be a great year. You see, 14 is my lucky number. This was the year that everything I wanted would happen. But almost as soon as the new year rang in, it all started to fall apart.

My brave mother who beat breast cancer was rocked wight he news that her cancer had returned, only this time in her liver. As fast as we could wrap our minds around the news, she progressively got worse. Treatment after treatment didn't work and slowly we began to realize, this cancer fight was going to be different. This fight wasn't going to end the same way. It's something I think my mom knew from the beginning but something the rest of us didn't want to face.

I just kept telling myself it would get better, the next treatment would work, the tumors weren't that big, she couldn't leave us - she was too good.

But then she did. On March 28th, my mom died.

That sure as hell wasn't part of the life I designed for myself in my head. My mom was supposed to be around for a long time. We had a plan. She would retire and then help me take care of my kids. It was always our plan. Unfortunately, plans change.

But life doesn't stop, even when you want it to. Because at the same time we found out my mom was sick, I found out I was pregnant. Something we had been hoping and trying for for 3 years. Naively, I thought that this baby would help heal her and that there was no way that she would pass before seeing my baby. But she did. It wasn't - and still isn't - fair that something my mom wanted as much as I did, she wouldn't be around to experience. 

I know that there is probably some cosmic reason for this happening. But I just can't get there yet. It's hard for me to understand how someone so good and loving and selfless could be taken from us so quickly and at such a crucial time in life. I just have to keep the faith that one day we will see each other again and I will finally have the answers I seek. 

So much has happened in these last few months, I can't fit it all in one post. So bear with me, as I sort through my new life and embark on a new path with a sweet little boy (who has an amazing guardian angel) that I can't wait for you all to meet.